


Honest

by rabbitearedwarbler



Category: Victorious (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:06:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21565015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rabbitearedwarbler/pseuds/rabbitearedwarbler
Comments: 22
Kudos: 107





	Honest

His friend group makes him wonder if it’s that obvious. His anxiety that they somehow  _ know _ rises every time the subject of gender comes up, though he knows Beck would never tell. But why else would they poke fun at it every chance they got?

Robbie puts a lot of effort into his appearance, though it may not seem that way to an outsider. His dad was never a big fan of this side of him, but he never actively stopped Robbie from presenting the way he wants. Quiet resignation is better than opposition, Robbie supposes, and he’s never been close with his dad anyway.

The awkward teen puts so much energy into passing as male that it’s never  _ off  _ his mind. Dysphoria nags him and makes him question whether anyone really sees him as a boy or if he’s deluding himself. Most days he pushes it to the back of his mind as best he can until he can get home and freak out over it in private.

Then there are days like today.

Robbie wakes up and stares at himself in the mirror, scrutinizing and picking out all the feminine features of his face that definitely should not be there. The shape of his face, his chest protruding slightly despite his binder. Surely that gives it away.  _ Why? Why was I born like this?  _ Robbie pleads in passing--to himself, to G-d, he’s not sure which; all he knows is he can’t stand looking at himself any longer. He puts on his glasses and turns away from the mirror, combing his curly hair without even a glance. He tries to gulp down the anxiety threatening to overcome and drown him.

It proves more difficult to tame and style his hair without using the mirror, but it’s not as if this is the first time dysphoria has gotten the better of him while preparing for school. Though, the one thing he absolutely cannot avoid is doing his makeup.

Without his contour and eyebrow makeup, Robbie fears he has  _ no  _ chance of fooling anyone, and he needs the mirror to do that. He bites back his fear and gets it done while trying not to think about it too much.

The white hot flutters of anxiety in his chest don’t give way, but there’s not much to be done about that, Robbie has learned. He sighs to himself. Today is just going to be one of those bad dysphoria days; he can tell. All he can do is try to avoid blowing up until  _ after  _ school.

He grabs Rex and takes him downstairs to eat breakfast and scroll through The Slap until it’s time to leave.

He manages to make it through his first couple classes distracting himself with his friends’ antics and the classwork. It isn’t so difficult today, and he has to be thankful for finding Jade cutting up the janitor’s trash can (Rex may have made a quip about her being in the closet) and Tori finding herself needing to get Jade three grand for her play. It’s enough to put one disaster in the back of his mind in place of a whole different kind of disaster.

By the time lunch rolls around, Robbie is gathering his things into his bag when Tori taps him on the shoulder and asks if he wants to get Chinese food. Not seeing any reason not to, he shrugs. “Sure.”

It turns out he and Andre have been dragged along to brainstorm ideas to get money for the play. Not that Robbie really minds it. It’s a welcome distraction, and it’s nice to hang out with a smaller group sometimes. When trying to come up with a solution, Tori asks a question that has no business upsetting him so much.

“Well what about your bat mitzvah money?” she asks, and Robbie remembers his awkward and emotional bar mitzvah, half of the family not even showing up and the other part refusing to call him by his name and pronouns. Robbie leans forward and maybe a little too quickly, he responds, “First of all, it was a  _ bar mitzvah _ . I’m a  _ boy. _ ” And he doesn’t know why he says it with so much indignation and emphasis, but there’s no way Tori could possibly know what had happened back then. There’s  _ no way  _ she knows. He knows rationally that Tori was just mistaken, not being Jewish, but everything is flooding back to Robbie and he needs to just  _ stop thinking _ .

“Theoretically,” comes out through Rex, his insecurity giving way as he attempts to make a joke no one here even understands.

He picks at his food and explains without much thought that he’d spent the money on male makeup and jeans. Andre stares at him like he’s grown another head, and Robbie realizes too late that male makeup isn’t something cis men typically wear, and he curses his lack of filter, hoping the others don’t read into it.

The owner of the restaurant comes and starts to talk to them about their school and her daughter not being able to go there, but Robbie can’t focus on it. He feels a panic attack coming on, and his breathing is becoming more difficult with each passing moment. He needs to get out of here, but how can he without rousing suspicion?

He barely processes everything that happens next, mind drifting as he worries that maybe his friends know something. It’s not the first time they’ve called him a girl. He doesn’t want to think of the possibility that they’re going out of their way to misgender him on purpose or the thought that maybe he doesn’t pass after all.

The ride back to school is a blur. He gets out of Andre’s car and makes a beeline for the men’s bathroom, barely registering pushing past Beck on the way in. He locks himself in the wheelchair accessible stall and sits on the floor, Rex next to him. Before he knows it Robbie is holding his head in his knees and trying not to cry because  _ crying is for weak  _ **_girls_ ** _ , don’t you dare cry.  _ He can’t stop thinking. They all know. Robbie is a fraud--he’ll never be a man. Maybe he should just go back to presenting as a girl, stop pretending, no matter how much it hurts, because who is he kidding?

His breaths are becoming shallower and more erratic and he feels like he’s dying on the spot, but maybe that wouldn’t be so bad right now. He can’t even bring himself to pray.   
“Robbie? Robbie, let me in.” It’s Beck. A wave of calm washes over Robbie in the midst of his panic, but he can’t speak. No words come out--from him or Rex.

He reaches for the latch but can’t stop shaking and opts instead for reaching his hand out under the stall, searching for Beck. Just to know that he has a friend here that understands.

Beck’s hand squeezes Robbie’s and lets go. He slides under the opening, sitting in front of the Jewish kid, who can’t stop the tears from flooding now. Beck doesn’t make him talk, just looks at him with understanding eyes, waiting patiently. The bell rings as Robbie gulps breaths in, and Beck doesn’t move an inch.

Robbie begs Beck to understand through his eyes. He reaches out for comfort, and Beck moves to sit next to him, arm around his shoulder. “I’m here.”

Robbie can’t help but curl into him, trying to keep his sobbing quiet. Beck rubs his back awkwardly.

After what feels like an hour, Robbie has no more tears left in him. He’s shaking slightly and begins to speak. “Did you...did you tell anyone? About me?” He doesn’t dare look at Beck’s face.

Arm still around Robbie (which feels nice--is that weird to say?), Beck replies, “No, of course not. Why would you think that?”

“They say things, Beck. About me not being a guy.”

“You  _ are _ .” The firmness and intensity in Beck’s voice makes Robbie look up. He sits up and wipes his tears on his sleeves. “I promise, I would never out you to anyone, Robbie,” Beck says seriously.

“Not even Jade?” he can’t help but ask, and Beck shakes his head quickly.

Tension Robbie didn’t even know he had falls from his shoulders. “I’m having...a really bad day,” he mumbles. “Sorry.”

Beck is silent for a moment, appearing thoughtful. “Maybe you should just tell them, if you’re this worried.”

“What?” Panic flares up in Robbie’s chest again, and Beck is quick to put his arms on his shoulders.

“Whoa whoa whoa, hear me out.” When Robbie gives a hesitant nod, Beck continues. “Think about it; our friends are not going to disown you for this. I can make sure Jade doesn’t make fun of you, and the others will stop the jokes.”

Robbie wrings his clammy hands, feeling uncomfortable. “I...don’t know…” For all he knows, Tori could very well be a transphobe--he hasn’t known her that long. He also doesn’t think she would be, but how would he know? Cat isn’t exactly good at keeping a secret, either.

Beck’s voice softens. “Look, I’m not pushing. You don’t have to tell anyone. I just thought it might help you if they knew.”

Robbie nods, relaxing a little. “I know, Beck. I appreciate it. I...I just don’t know how they’ll all react.  _ That’s  _ what scares me.”

“Here, I have an idea,” Beck begins, standing. He reaches a hand to help Robbie up, which he gladly takes. “I’ll test the waters by just...bringing up trans people in general to the group, and we’ll see how they take it.”

Robbie nods. “That’s a good idea, yeah.” Suddenly feeling embarrassed, he flushes. “I...thanks, man. I’m sorry you had to see this.”

“Don’t be, I chose to come help you,” Beck replies sincerely, giving him a small smile. He picks up Rex and hands him off, before checking his phone. He curses. “Shoot, Jade is going to kill me. I need to be there to meet them to talk about the play. Like...ten minutes ago.” He studies Robbie again. “Are you going to be okay? You can come with me if you want.”

Robbie thinks for a moment, unsure. “I think I’m doing better. I don’t really want anyone to know I was crying so, uh...see you tomorrow?” He smiles sheepishly. “Again, thank you.”

“Don’t mention it,” Beck says. When they walk out of the stall together, a freshman is raising his eyebrows at the two of them. Robbie blushes hard but can’t find the energy to think about it too long. That’s a worry for another day.

It doesn’t come up again for about a week. Beck gives him concerned glances over the next day but doesn't mention anything, to Robbie's relief.

The next Friday, the gang's all sitting at their table at lunch and Beck takes a breath and gives him a side glance. Is this going where Robbie thinks it's going?

"So did you guys hear about that trans actor starring in that musical?"

Robbie looks around the table carefully. Everyone's nodding and muttering, not really seeming to have a reaction at all, while Tori says "Oh that's great!" Jade doesn't even really move, but Robbie knows she hates everything anyway so he really can't be bothered to worry about her.

Most important to Robbie is Cat's reaction, which doesn't give him a lot to go off of. In fairness, though, he isn't sure Cat has a mean bone in her body. It makes him feel better nonetheless to see her smiling.

Beck catches his eye and smiles slightly at him, and Robbie hopes Beck sees the "thank you" in his eyes.

Soon enough the topic has moved on and Robbie begins to wonder if telling them would be a good idea after all.

Before Robbie has fully made his decision, a couple weeks later they're hanging out at Tori's, and Jade makes a stupid dig at his masculinity, something about him being a girl. The grin drops from his face and his blood runs cold. The gang is laughing it off. " _ Stop,"  _ he finds himself saying, "I am a  _ boy." _ It feels too familiar, like back in elementary school when he would yell the same thing in distress only to be dismissed.

Everyone's staring at him, and Jade starts to say, "What? Got your panties in a twist?" But Beck looks at her with a warning.

"Seriously, stop," Beck warns everyone. "You're seriously upsetting him, so knock it off."

The embarrassment starts to set in and Robbie feels hot tears behind his eyes. He meets Cat's concerned eyes and swallows. "You all need to stop making jokes about me being a girl, it's not cool."

"Why is it so upsetting to you?" asks Tori, and he knows she's just curious but he's had enough.

"Just listen to me for once! Cut it out. I don't need this from you guys, you're supposed to be my friends--why do I--"

"Does it matter?" Beck cuts across, to Robbie's annoyance despite the fact that the other is trying to help, "He doesn't have to explain anything to you. Just listen because he's our friend." Robbie sees Jade giving Beck a questioning look and he pushes down the anxiety.

Everyone dissolves into murmurs of "Sorry, Robbie," and Andre seems ready to change the subject but the Jewish boy stops him.

"Okay. I'll explain." Is he really doing this? Why is he doing this? He closes his eyes. "But you all need to promise not to tell anyone about this."

He opens his eyes and finds the room nodding--even Jade gives him a small look of acknowledgement. He looks directly at Cat. "Please, it's important to me."

"I  _ promise _ !" she responds, as though offended he would single her out like that.

He's honestly done hiding. He's not saying this for any of them but for his own peace of mind. Maybe...maybe he'll have more people in his corner if they know. Maybe they'll be weird about it, but he will still have Beck if nothing else. The thought terrifies him.

"I'm trans, okay? And when you insinuate that I'm not a real man it really messes with me, so I need you all to respect that and just stop." He realizes Rex hasn't said a word this entire time and doesn't stop to ponder what that means.

The whole room looks at him in surprise for a tense moment, then slowly Tori stands up and offers a hug to him. He accepts, grateful for her willingness to break the awkward silence. "I'm proud of you for speaking up. I'm sorry, Robbie."

He stops himself from saying it's okay, because it's really not, but he smiles at her as she retreats from the embrace. "That's cool man," says Andre, and Cat bounces over for a hug as well, informing in her own Cat way that her cousin is trans too and she hopes Robbie doesn't think they don't accept him.

Jade is the only one left to react, and everyone looks at her. She shrugs. "Whatever, dude. It's not like it's a big deal." A pause. She smirks a little. "If anyone tries to give you grief over it, just let me know."

The rest of the evening plays out as normal. They watch TV, occasionally asking Robbie questions. And he doesn't find it so annoying. If anything, it's comforting to be able to talk about it freely without fear of someone finding out.

And in that moment he realizes why he's friends with these guys--despite the jokes, they really do care about each other. About him. He soon finds that nothing is more important to him than having a support group through life's troubles--and he guesses he's found it.


End file.
